When we hesitate and a moment of choice or opportunity passes us by, we can sometimes feel the weight of that unborn universe being crushed within us.

This is the phrase I coined for myself to describe that utter down feeling of disappointment and failure through inaction. More specifically when i failed to initiate conversation with a girl in the bank line. I made myself feel better by saying to myself that I would go do some shopping first, and walk back passed the bank again. If the universe wanted me to talk to her I would surely meet her again.

As I am rehearsing this false parable in my head, I look up and we pass each other in the street, even locking eyes for a brief moment. By the time I realize what has happened and regained the power of speech, she is well passed me. Further compounding the feeling of muck.

This weighed heavily on me for the next few days, the words I coined burning themselves into my brain. Then one day waiting for the train home, there was a girl [a different girl]. I noticed her blond hair, big eyes and skinny jeans. I feel she noticed me too. A familiar monster started to grow in my stomach, its name was anxiety. I spent the next 25 minutes waiting for my train, stealing glances and expecting her to get on any train but mine.

Our train arrives, we both get on. The cabin is packed and we are both forced to stand, but there are enough people there that i can't see her anymore, I am somewhat relieved. Although my new mantra returns. One stop before mine, the cabin is reshuffled and all of a sudden I find I am standing next to the girl that has me raptured. The mantra kicks into overdrive. The universe surely has a bizarre sense of humour.

FUCK IT. I remove my earbuds and blindly reach into my bag, tearing out a piece of paper. I feel the eyes of everyone is on me as I hastily scribble a note that reads:

"Hi, I feel really weird talking on trains, but I’d really like to talk to you some more = )
could I get your number?"

I put the note out, beginning to reach into her personal space so that she knows its for her. She looks up into my face, slightly puzzled, I gaze back with a gentle smile and a nod, assuring her she is not mistaken. For the briefest of moments the monster in my stomach is gone, as i see her reading the note, and then over once more.

I see that what she has just read is taking hold as she stiffens slightly and looks up, i raise my eyebrows immeasurably and cock my head as if to ask, and so..? The sides of her mouth crinkle in as she tries to stifle a nervous but hopeful smile and nods. In this moment i love this girl.

I hand over my pen and she scribbles down her phone number, passing the note and pen back to me. Now there are definitely people watching, I'm not imaging things. 2 minutes from my stop, I try to act cool. Nothing of significance has just gone down here, inside I am screaming.

The train doors part, I smile at her as i pass, she smiles back, and I step outside back into the cold, feeling like a superhero.

[link]

Because we were as strong as chalk, a single hard press into the blackboard snapped us forever.

Disconnect for just a moment, from what we feel we want. That elusive illusion we strive for. It is that very illusion that is our obstacle. The illusion fools us momentarily into beleiving we have what we want, passing by priceless moments of choice. Fantasy will be the death of the soul.

Ignore the good man and you may kill him and find something entirely different in his place.

Everyone feels everything. Maybe not often, but to assume they are incapable of something is naive. In fact to assume they aren't capable of something is a way of encouragement. It creates that knee-jerk reaction of 'oh i'll show you how much you really know'. People want to be understood, NOT figured out.

With each steop forward, another 100 are revealed. Can we ever get there? At least true for someone who seeks perfection in life, there is no perfection, just new directions. Best not to sit in complacency or risk drowning oneself. But anything but complacency can be terrifying. Our ultimate freedom lies within one of our most basic fears, exposure of our insecurities to others, let alone ourselves. Yes they exist. Denial is a slow death. Your bravery will be rewarded with love. Not just love from others but a love for life.

Once you have seen the bottom you are changed. for better or worse. hopefully for better.

LIVE YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE, STOP HIDING. YOU THINK YOUR PROTECTING YOURSELF BY BEING COY? YOU'RE LIMITING YOURSELF AND THE PEOPLE NEAREST.

My expectations of others are unrealistic. And are perhaps unfair.

Idle thoughts too persistant to be idle..

I'm loving everything about Melbourne so far. I have managed to make a couple cool new friends, so lucky to have met them. Work is hard, but its with good people aswell so i actually like going.

Tomorrow night I'm going to play netball for the first time.. how manly of me. Hopefully i can remember im not allowed to dribble.. time will tell.

My mum sent me a new jumper today, which probably means that she just went on a shopping spree with my sister Anna and felt guilty about not getting me anything I love the seater though, and i love the both of them

I feel like the luckiest person in the world atm with the 2 room mates i have, they are seriously rad. And they put up with me, with makes them radder.

Since moving out my diet has consisted predominantly of wheatbix and ham sandwitches.

For the time being i have totally lost the will to take photos, although I kind of feel like painting, maybe an opportunity will present itself, who knows.

Thats about all for now.

Damn you AIZ DAMN YOU! Seems offly myspacey, but cest la vie!

[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (don't we all)
[x] I have many scars. (i have a few)
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color (sometimes fantasize about pink hair hehe)
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x I have a tattoo. (soon to be... maybe)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x]I have/I've had braces. (had)
[] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercing.
[] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.
[] I hate my dad.
[] I hate my mom.
[] I have a brother.
[x] I have a sister.
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home. (not for long)
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.
[] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school. (school)
[] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.(several years :S)
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years. (for trying hard, hehe)
[x] I failed more than 1 class last year. (expensive )
[] I've stolen something from my job.
[] I've been fired.
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation. (doesn't particularly bother me though, but deff something i avoid doing )
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[] I've had my pants rip in public.
[] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[] I've broken a bone.
[] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[x] I was born in a different country.
[] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (i don't drive)
[x] I've been on a plane.
[] I've been to Canada.
[] I've been to Mexico.
[] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] I've been to Europe.
[] I've been to Africa.
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[x] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.
[x] I'm single.
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x]I have a fear of abandonment. (i don't fear it, but i expect it)
[] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I'm bi.
[] I'm gay.
[x] I've had sex.
[] I've had phone sex.
[] I've cybered.
[] I've had sex in public.
[] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've run a red light.
[] I've been suspended from school.
[] I've witnessed a crime.
[] I've been in a fist fight.
[] I've been arrested.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink. (sometimes.. not regularly)
[] I've passed out from drinking.
[] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed.
[] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[] I've eaten shrooms.
[x] I've popped E.
[] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem. (i used to have to take 23 pills a day and inject myself once a day. i dont think i could do it anymore though)
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.
[] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[] I've seen someone dying.
[] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[] I've planned my own suicide.
[] I've attempted suicide.
[] I've written a eulogy for myself.
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs. (but dont particularly like rap)
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[] I own a plushie of my fave character from anything.
[] I own a cosplay outfit.
[] I know what cosplay means.
[] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[] I own something from Hot Topic.
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collect comic books.
[] I own something from The Gap.
[] I own something I got on e-bay.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie.
[] I can sing well.
[] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily. (to the right people, who are hard to come by)
[] I watch the news.
[] I don't kill bugs.
[] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[] I curse regularly.
[] I sing in the shower.
[] I am a morning person.
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I'm a snob about grammar.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[] I twirl my hair.
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[] I love being neat.
[] I love Spam.
[] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well. (LOL-)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (probably)
[] I've worn pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly
[] I believe in ghosts.
[] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish. (inconveniently so)
[] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[] I'm good at remembering names.
[] I'm good at remembering dates.
[] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[] I loath lables.
[] I like action movies.
[] I like horror movies.
[] I like chick flicks.
[] I know the most random facts about things people have never heard of before.
[x] I can't spell.
[x] I treasure my friends.
[x] I think of others before myself.

Hey. just a quick whats up.

Have landed in melbourne, now making some money, etc. Unfortunately no camera here may have to take up drawing again. At any rate just a quickkkkkkkk holla.

Shoutout to
Sarutfl: for being an awsome model and friend.
wlz: for being an always hilarious influence on my thinking, if you get a chance bother him to upload some of his writing, it really is fantastic.
drsp3d: for being such a great and supportive friend, not to mention has just started his own little photographic journey.
for being my favorite deviant
Also a shout to the lovely and talented antoinette for helping show me a few tricks with the camerooski and being wonder woman.

Thats all, stay groovy.